When my client, a senior executive I’ll call James, first told me about the board meeting that went sideways, my primary instinct was simply to listen. He described presenting a high-stakes Q3 forecast when a director blindsided him. “It was like a switch flipped,” James said, his voice still holding a trace of that panic. “My mind just… emptied. All my data, all my talking points, gone. I just stood there.”

As a coach, my first job was to create a space for him to share that story. But my second job, happening simultaneously and just as crucially, was to manage my own internal state. As coaches, we sit at the epicenter of our clients' stress every single day. We are their first call after the deal collapses, the promotion is denied, or the feedback stings. And in those moments, the most powerful tool we wield is not our sharpest question or our most insightful framework, but our own regulated nervous system.

Understanding why our clients freeze is the first step. That moment when their mind goes blank isn't a failure of intellect or preparation. It’s a biological, predictable, and deeply human response.

The Client’s Brain on Conflict

Drawing from my background in neuroscience, here’s the primer I share with my clients, and the one we must deeply internalize ourselves. The brain’s primary directive is survival. The amygdala, an ancient part of the limbic system, acts as a hypersensitive threat detector. Crucially, it cannot distinguish between the physical threat of an ancient predator and the social-emotional threat of public criticism or a boss’s disapproval. A threat is a threat.

In response, the amygdala initiates the classic fight-flight-or-freeze response, flooding the body with cortisol and adrenaline. As neuroimaging studies have starkly shown, this hormonal cascade has a profound and immediate effect on the brain. It shunts blood flow and glucose away from the prefrontal cortex (PFC)—the brain’s CEO—and redirects it to the primal centers of survival (Arnsten, A. F., 2009, Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function). The PFC governs executive functions: rational thought, emotional regulation, strategic planning, and coherent communication. When it goes offline, our clients are, quite literally, unable to think clearly. Their brain's security guard has locked the CEO out of the building.

The Coach’s Brain in the Room: The Calm Half of the Whole

This is the biological storm our clients can be in when they show up or when they dive into a heated challenge in our sessions. And here is where our most important work begins. We often think our job is to talk them through the storm. In reality, our first job is to be the lighthouse.

This comes down to simple neuropsychology, specifically the function of mirror neurons. Discovered by Giacomo Rizzolatti and his team, mirror neurons are a class of brain cells that fire both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing that same action. While initially studied with motor actions, the principle extends to emotional and internal states. Our brains are built to subconsciously attune to the states of those around us.

Think of the dynamic as a pie. Your client arrives carrying their half of the pie, and it’s radiating stress, anxiety, and frustration. If we, as coaches, meet their energy with our own anxious urgency to “fix” the problem, our half of the pie becomes tense. We get entangled. Through the silent work of mirror neurons, we compound the stress unconsciously. The entire relational space becomes an echo chamber, and the client’s PFC is held hostage.

Our professional imperative is to consciously provide the calm half of the pie. When we maintain a calm, peaceful, and attentive presence, our regulated state is neurologically offered to our client. Their mirror neuron system registers our coherence—our steady breathing, our open posture, our unhurried speech—and it creates a biological invitation for their own nervous system to down-regulate. Our calm literally gives their prefrontal cortex the safe harbor it needs to come back online. This isn't a passive act; it's our most active and potent intervention.

The Art of Artful Intervention: Guiding Your Client Back Online

Once we’ve established this foundation of co-regulation, we can then use our craft to guide the client from a reactive state to a resourceful one. This isn't about giving advice; it’s about using our presence and questioning to help them access their own wisdom.

1. Model and Teach the Executive Pause: We must embody this first. In session, consciously slow your pace. Hold silence a beat longer than feels comfortable. This models the very space they need to create in their high-stress moments. When a client is spiraling, you can say, “Let’s just take a breath together right here.” It’s a simple, powerful reset that you are doing with them, not to them.

2. Shift from Furious to Curious with Insightful Questioning: A stressed brain is stuck in a reactive loop. Our questions must be designed to break that loop and engage the PFC.

• Avoid reactive, past-focused questions like, “Then what did he say?”
• Instead, use PFC-activating questions: “When you felt that anger, what deeper value of yours felt threatened?” This connects the raw emotion to a core identity, a far more resourceful place.
• Or try, “If you could step into the shoes of your most wise and confident self, how would that self view this situation?” This helps them dissociate from the panicked self and access a more powerful internal advisor.
• Another favorite of mine: “What is this situation asking you to learn about yourself?”

3. Guide Them to the Music, Not the Lyrics:A client will fixate on the inflammatory words used against them—the lyrics. Our job is to help them hear the underlying emotion—the music.

• Ask: “Setting aside the exact words he used for a moment, what do you imagine was the fear or hope that was driving him?”
• Or: “What was the unspoken emotion in the room?”
• This line of questioning does two things: It fosters empathy, which is a high-level PFC function, and it shifts the client from a position of victim to one of astute observer, which is inherently more powerful.

Our greatest gift to the leaders we coach is not another strategy for their playbook. It is the living experience of a regulated nervous system. It’s providing a biological sanctuary where their own PFC can reboot. By mastering our own presence, we become the calm half of the whole, allowing our clients to rediscover their own clarity, confidence, and courage. We don’t just tell them how to be an unshakable leader; we provide the neurological blueprint for them to become one.

Michelle Anne is Harvard trained in Neuroscience, psychology and conflict resolution. Michelle is an executive and divorce coach specializing in stress and conflict.

To learn the science-backed tools to master stress and conflict, visit MichelleAnne.com to explore coaching programs and download a free neuroscience-based meditation.

Scientific References and Further Reading

The concepts discussed in the article are grounded in several decades of established research. Below are the key scientific pillars and representative sources for each.

1. The Stress Response, Amygdala, and Prefrontal Cortex
This area of research explains the "amygdala hijack," where emotional threats trigger a primal stress response that impairs higher-order thinking.

• LeDoux, J. E. (1996). The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. Simon & Schuster.
  • Relevance: This is a foundational text for understanding the amygdala's role as the brain's "threat detector." LeDoux outlines the two pathways of emotional processing: the fast, subconscious "low road" through the amygdala and the slower, conscious "high road" involving the cortex. This work provides the scientific basis for the "security guard taking over" analogy.
• Arnsten, A. F. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422.
  • Relevance: This is the specific academic paper cited in the article. Dr. Arnsten's work at Yale provides the direct neurochemical evidence for how stress impairs the prefrontal cortex (PFC). It explains that the very same neurochemicals (norepinephrine and dopamine) that enhance function in a moderate amount can, at high levels seen during acute stress, "take the PFC offline," impairing rational thought and working memory.
• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
  • Relevance: While a work of popular science, Goleman's book was instrumental in bringing these concepts to a mainstream audience. He coined the term "amygdala hijack" to describe the process of the emotional brain overriding the rational brain, a concept central to the article. It’s an essential reference for any coach working with emotional regulation.

2. Mirror Neurons and Emotional Contagion

This research underpins the concept of "co-regulation," explaining the neural mechanism for how we subconsciously "catch" the emotional states of others.

• Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 27, 169–192.
  • Relevance: This review article by Giacomo Rizzolatti, the lead discoverer of mirror neurons, summarizes their function. It explains how these neurons fire both when an individual performs an action and when they observe the same action performed by another. This system is considered a neural basis for empathy, imitation, and understanding others' intentions and emotional states.
• Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1994). Emotional Contagion. Cambridge University Press.
  • Relevance: This book details the extensive research on how emotions spread from person to person, often unconsciously. It supports the article's premise that a coach's calm can be "contagious," just as a client's stress can be. The mirror neuron system is now considered one of the primary mechanisms for this phenomenon.

3. Interpersonal Neurobiology and Co-regulation

This field integrates neuroscience, psychology, and relationship science to explain how our brains and nervous systems are fundamentally shaped by our interactions with others. It provides the framework for the coach's role as a regulating presence.

• Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (3rd ed.). The Guilford Press.
  • Relevance: Dr. Siegel is a pioneer in interpersonal neurobiology. This book explains how a person's nervous system is not a closed loop; it is profoundly influenced by the states of others. He details the concept of "attunement," where a regulated caregiver (or coach) helps organize and calm the nervous system of a child (or client). This is the theoretical foundation for being the "calm half of the pie."
• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
  • Relevance: Polyvagal Theory provides a detailed model for how our nervous system discerns safety and threat from social cues. According to Porges, a calm tone of voice, open facial expressions, and attentive presence (what he calls "neuroception of safety") can shift a person out of a defensive fight-flight-or-freeze state and into a state of "social engagement," where they feel safe enough for connection and rational thought. This directly supports the article's advice on how a coach should embody a calm, peaceful presence.